Car Problems or How I Swallowed My Pride

About two weeks ago, my husband's car broke down for the 357th time (rough estimate, this may or may not actually be accurate). The belt had snapped again, the third one in as many months. So he comes to the conclusion that is time to change the pulley. Surely that must be the problem for why the belt keeps breaking. New pulley purchased, put on the car, another new belt added, and now the car won't start. Weird. Changing out the pulley shouldn't have had any effect on the car starting. Connections get check, sensors and fuses get replaced, still nothing. An uncle comes over with a tow dolly, and off they go to a local auto shop. Minor sticker shock when they say it'll cost $130 to hook it up to the diagnostic machine and run a bunch of tests, but since it's almost pay day, and we desperately need to get the car fix, we give them the go ahead.

The day passes quickly with no news, then like a kick to gut we learn that the engine is shot. Something about the crankshaft and the pistons, but I honestly stopped listening and started freaking out the moment the lady on the phone said it was the engine. Now I may not know a lot about cars, but even I know an engine is not cheap. Add on the labor for a mechanic doing the work, and I'm sure you can forgive me for becoming hysterical pretty quickly. I still had no idea what the cost was going to be when I was forced to swallow my pride last night and beg my friends and family on Facebook for money.

An hour into my work day, and I received the call. Four-thousand-three-hundred dollars. Not only was this nowhere near what I could have ever guessed the cost would be, but it was also nowhere near the amount of money I knew my friends and family would be willing to donate to us. I was already emotionally tapped out from having to set up the GoFundMe account. There was just no way I could go back and add more to our goal, and it would be silly to spend that kind of money on a 15-year-old car that isn't even worth the refinancing that's already on it.

Now we sit and wait, wondering what to do. We're obviously not replacing the engine, but we also can't sell the car with the lien on it. For the time being, our plan is to pay off the loan, sell the car to a salvage yard, and buy a new to us mini van.

I've never been more scared or depressed in my life, but I've also never been more humbled or grateful than I was when the donations trickled in. Within an hour, an old high school classmate had donated $100. By morning, we were up to $200 thanks to family. Lunch time saw a boost to $500 thanks to a college classmate and then $630 by the time I had eaten and gotten back to my desk thanks to more family. I've never been good at asking for help, but having people reach out so quickly without a second thought was beyond anything I could have ever hoped for.

Feminists and Why I am One, or I'm Proud to be a Girl

Second post and again, it's because of something I saw someone else write about on two other pages. First it was my favorite blogger, Jenny Lewis aka The Bloggess. She explained feminism and why it's a good thing in her delightful bizarre and whimsical fashion (seriously, feminists being compared to bees and sharks and how we're all just misunderstood in the end; delightful, ridiculous, and hilarious as hell). Anyway, feminism. It's not about man-hating, bra-burning, blowing up the government. Sure, there are some feminists who want to do that, but just like not all babies are the same, neither are all feminists. Feminism for me is strictly about equality. I should be able to hold the same job, receive the same pay for said job, have total control over my body and any medical decisions I need to make for it, not have to worry about being harassed/attacked/assaulted and then asked what I was doing/wearing/saying to provoke it, etc. etc. etc. That's not totally what this is all about since thousands of bloggers have said these things a million times better than I am right now.

The second post that prompted this was something in Huff Po (but I'm using the link to her original post) that a friend posted on Facebook that really got me thinking. I've never been small, at least not since I was little (first, maybe second grade?). I've had big, frizzy hair and worn glasses since about the same time. I still have acne even though I'm about to reach 30 years (and that's just cruel, Mother Nature). I'm lazy and can't be bothered to get up early to do my hair or make up more days out of the year than I care to admit (let's just round it up to 360 days because that's pretty damn close to the truth). I rarely feel pretty, especially when I see a photo after the fact. All I see are my flaws.

"Look at my gigantic arms."

" Oh man, is that another zit forming on my forehead?"

"Why did no one warn me that my hair looked like that?!"

It's honestly exhausting to always have to worry what I'm going to look like in the pictures family and friends are snapping and posting on Facebook (not that I really care what others think of me, but I don't like feeling ugly; it's my human nature rearing again). But even more than exhausting, it's not productive, and it's certainly not healthy. It's setting a dangerous precedence for my two girls (and my son because, let's face it, boys are also bombarded with magazines telling them they need to be more rugged and handsome and thin and beautiful). I don't want my children to grow up seeing me worry and fret over how I look in pictures, too immobilized with fear over not being pretty or thin enough. I don't want the pictures on the walls of my home to be of just my husband and the kids with no proof that I live there too.

I want to play with my kids with reckless abandon while also not dying of heat stroke because I wore jeans and an oversized t-shirt. I want to laugh and dance and sing without a care in the world of who might be taking a picture. I want my girls to grow up loving their bodies and my son to grow up respecting the bodies of other girls. I want to feel pretty even when I've just got my hair pulled back and old yoga pants on. I want to live without regret or fear. I want to be me, unapologetically and happily.

Going on Thirty

I recently saw a blog post titled Thirty Things I've Learned which made me realize that I'm almost thirty, have no bucket list, no idea where I'm going with my life, and no legacy to hand down to my three children (at least not any that I can be proud of since all I've got right now is about $60k in student loans). How sad.

So here I am on the cusp of turning thirty and feeling...not so much like a failure but like I could have done more before reaching such a pivotal age. My sister will be 28 this year and has visited almost every continent on Earth. I've got friends who have started their own companies or published books or just seem to always have everything together (yes, I realize I shouldn't compare myself to others because we're all on different journeys, but I'm only human).

Before anyone says that I'm harping too much on thirty or that I'm focusing too much on what I haven't done instead of on what I have done, this isn't meant to be a poor me pity party. This is just my way of getting my rear in gear and finally doing something about it. I find myself too often jealous of others or excluding myself, and I don't like those feelings. I don't want to be paralyzed by my feelings of self-doubt or lack of self-worth anymore. I want to be comfortable making plans with friends

All that to say that I'm creating my bucket list. For now it'll be thirty things I would like to accomplish for my thirtieth year. I know it will grow as I come up with more things I want to do. It'll never truly be finished which is probably a good thing because it means I'm living.

1. Lose some weight. I don't need to be a size 2 or 4, but I do need to get healthy. For me.
2. Get out of debt. This doesn't include buying a house eventually.
3. Own a home. I'm sick of throwing money at a pit that isn't even mine.
4. Make new friends. But keep the old. I need to start putting more work into my relationships.
5. Monthly dates with the hubby. But especially more work in my most important relationship.
6. Bite my tongue. I need to stop gossiping especially about a particular coworker.
7. Spend less time on my phone. My phone needs a curfew and a limit to how often I can play on it.
8. Spend more time with my kids. My kids deserve my presence more than my phone.
9. Nightly walks with the family. Around the neighborhood or to the park., this will help with 1, 7, & 8.
10. Learn a new language. Or at least brush back up on my French, but I'd also like to learn Gaelic.
11. Write every day. The book isn't going to write itself, and you'll only regret not trying.
12. Read every day. It'll help your writing, promise.
13. Take the kids on a road trip. California, New York, D.C., Florida. Any or all.
14. Take the kids to Disney. Land or World or both!
15. Take the kids to Harry Potter World. Because duh!
16. Go back to Scotland. Or move there.
17. Visit my sister in whatever country she teaches in next. I miss her too much when she's gone.
18. Visit my brother-in-law and family in whatever country he gets stationed in next. Ditto #17.
19. Visit my brother in Australia. Ditto #17 & 18.
20. Keep in touch with my cousins. I miss them like crazy.
21. Get a pen-pal. Letter writing needs to come back.
22. Write More Love Letters. Not just for people I know, but for strangers too.
23. Declutter the house. This will be ongoing and probably never complete, but a girl can dream.
24. Live with less. See #23.
25. Meal plan every week. Less eating out, more money in the pocket, less debt. Win win win.
26. Go back to cooking at home more. See #25.
27. Finish those craft projects. Seriously. There's no reason to have so many started and not finished.
28. Sing and dance with the kids, especially while cooking dinner. Fun and burns calories.
29. Finish the baby books. Little by little, you can get these done.
30. Pay it forward. Because I've been helped in the past, so I should be doing the same.

I think that's a pretty good start. Some will obviously never be crossed off because they're ongoing tasks, but some of them can be worked towards while some are fairly simple. I'll add to my list as I come up with more things I want to do.